Couples Therapy
I believe, that the strength and quality of the relationship within a couple depends on the partners’ ability to make contact with each other, while at the same time maintaining their individuality. Frequently, couples follow the traditional model of marriage: “two become one”, where in order to be together, they give up their differences and become alike each other. This model allows for “being together” and some form of connection, but does not support separateness and individual wishes, needs, desires and hopes. Eventually, the relationship either ends up with divorce or becomes stagnant and uninteresting with partners staying together, but living their separate lives. In order for the relationship to stay alive and be nourishing, a natural rhythm of connection and separation between partners needs to be established and maintained. The connection model of marriage, developed by Bob and Rita Resnick (www.gatla.org) offers opportunity for couples to learn how they can maintain their differences and individuality and still stay connected to each other. This model allows partners to have their individual lives and to have their life as a couple, where all three (me, you and our relationship) are attended to, supported and nourished. In my work with couples, I focus my attention on all three: each partner separately and the relationship between them that is created by both.
My view is that many couples’ problems are related not to the precise, exact differences between partners in what they like or what they want, but to how partners deal with their differences. Usually, with the purpose of maintaining peace, partners try to get rid of the difference, which paradoxically leads to an opposite outcome - conflict. In a relationship where differences are acknowledged, accepted and allowed to stand, conflict is minimal. In addition, when conflict occurs in such a relationship, it can either be resolved, or couple develops a certain way of relating to each other about their unresolvable issue - with mutual respect, sense of humor and love.
During my work with couples, I am interested in helping partners:
· to see how they make connection and deal with their differences,
· to notice their individual and in-between sequences and patterns,
· to understand where those patterns are coming from (usually from our past significant relationships)
· to try in a safe environment of the session new ways of relating to each other
· to transfer those new capabilities into regular life.
What most often happens during couples therapy is that partners become more present and open with each other, more emotionally available, with the deeper ability to connect. This increases the possibility for intimacy and nourishment that couple receives from the relationship.
Occasionally, the more open and present partners become with each other, the more they find out that their differences can’t be bridged, and staying together will be more damaging to them than moving apart. In this situation, couples counselling can be helpful to guide partners through separation to prevent much damage to children and each other.
But, no matter what will become apparent as a result - strengthening of the relationship or separation, the important and valuable impact of couples counselling is that both partners gain awareness of who and how they are in a relationship, they learn to "appear" and be as they are with the other, they become more skilled in how to deal with differences and maintain connection, how to create a life together, in which there is a place for Me-as-I-am, You-as-You-are and Us-as-We-are.
My view is that many couples’ problems are related not to the precise, exact differences between partners in what they like or what they want, but to how partners deal with their differences. Usually, with the purpose of maintaining peace, partners try to get rid of the difference, which paradoxically leads to an opposite outcome - conflict. In a relationship where differences are acknowledged, accepted and allowed to stand, conflict is minimal. In addition, when conflict occurs in such a relationship, it can either be resolved, or couple develops a certain way of relating to each other about their unresolvable issue - with mutual respect, sense of humor and love.
During my work with couples, I am interested in helping partners:
· to see how they make connection and deal with their differences,
· to notice their individual and in-between sequences and patterns,
· to understand where those patterns are coming from (usually from our past significant relationships)
· to try in a safe environment of the session new ways of relating to each other
· to transfer those new capabilities into regular life.
What most often happens during couples therapy is that partners become more present and open with each other, more emotionally available, with the deeper ability to connect. This increases the possibility for intimacy and nourishment that couple receives from the relationship.
Occasionally, the more open and present partners become with each other, the more they find out that their differences can’t be bridged, and staying together will be more damaging to them than moving apart. In this situation, couples counselling can be helpful to guide partners through separation to prevent much damage to children and each other.
But, no matter what will become apparent as a result - strengthening of the relationship or separation, the important and valuable impact of couples counselling is that both partners gain awareness of who and how they are in a relationship, they learn to "appear" and be as they are with the other, they become more skilled in how to deal with differences and maintain connection, how to create a life together, in which there is a place for Me-as-I-am, You-as-You-are and Us-as-We-are.